Sunday, February 28, 2010

Walking the Distance

It's late,
Can’t seem to close my eyes,
Because if I close my eyes,
I wonder if it's real.

Can’t concentrate,
My mind wanders...
It wanders back to you,
And I wonder how you feel.

I just want touch your face,
And not feel the cold, empty screen,
Lonely nights staring at the screen,
It shows me what's missing.

There’s emptiness,
That I often feel,
And the only time I really feel,
It’s when you’re not missing.

I can’t bear the nights without you,
Though those nights are all I have.
It seems impossible to go without you,
When I cannot smile, I cannot laugh.
But some day...
It’ll all be okay,
Because then I’ll fill my days with you.
I’ll fill my days with you.

And time,
It counts down the hours,
To a time that will be ours
In some place neither here nor there.

And sometimes,
I try not to miss you so,
But every where I go,
There are pieces of you everywhere.

I can’t close my eyes
And not remember all of your smiles
Or how you’ve driven for miles
Just to be near.

And when I wake,
I can’t wait to hear your laugh,
Your voice is all the proof I have,
That someday you’ll be here.

*sigh* Things are hard tonight. I want to see him... I miss him so incredibly much. I wish it would just go away. It would make things so much easier if I didn't miss his eyes, or his smile... or the tip of his fingers tracing illegible lines along my hand, his hugs, his voice, and everything else that just makes him who he is. One day. I know. I just wish I didn't have to wait for that 'one day'. Waiting sucks. 

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Time and Confusion

Harum. Where to begin? Life... is busy. Between work, school, more work and friends... time for myself and blogging has been swept into the wind. I've managed to grab a few pieces of what was left here and there though, and perhaps I can pull something together tonight.
I really dislike flowers. No, I lied. I love flowers. But any time someone gives me flowers... they last for a while, they look beautiful and healthy... and then they begin to wilt. Their color goes a shade darker, their stems bend under the weight. Couldn't you relate this to our lives? We begin as little sprouts... just barely coming out of the ground. Young and easily molded. Then we grow more and turn into buds. Slowly waiting for the perfect time to bloom. Once we have, we're a beautiful plant that's striving in it's home earth. That is reaching up towards it's ultimate goal; the sky, the sun. The moon and the stars. Then someone comes along, and sees our raw beauty and decides they want to take this beauty and show it to someone they feel fondly of. This person brings out a pocket knife, specifically for this sort of occasion. And they saw at our flowers ground. Until we're cut off from what we had to begin with. We can no longer go back to the place that we were happiest at. Right? Nah. I dislike that story. I'd rather for the flower to stay there and be admired by all. Not to be removed from it's earth. But then again, flowers are beautiful. And if you take care of them properly, they last you a good while.
I'm really at a crossroads as to whether to publish this like it is or not. See, I love being given flowers. As I'm sure does any girl... but then after a few days it depresses me to see them die. The only flower that has never affected me this way, is a rose. But I do believe that's because a rose looks remarkably pretty when it's dried out as it does when it's in full blossom.
It's strange how much you can care for someone, and how awful pain can be. In the end though, it'll be worth it.
"When memories fade, we've got each other. When time and confusion collide, I'll be left singing "I hold it all when I hold you."

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Where are you

It´s strange how certain things happen the way they do. You may meet someone when you´re young, become innocent buddies with them. The years go by and they become your best friend. You can confide everything to them. Puberty hits and on those dark, lonely nights you can share your deepest secrets with them. Soon, you begin to realize how special that person really is to you. How if you didn´t have a way to talk to them, you´d feel lonely, lost and helpless. They complete you. They make you laugh when you want to cry. They make you feel special even if you´re having the worst day Their companionship is something you never want to lose. You love them. You trust them. You miss them after being away even for a couple days. Life doesn´t feel complete unless they´re at your side, and you´re willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Can't even think of a song to put as the subject o_o . I'm sure there's one called "Tired" somewhere out there.

I am so freakin' exhausted. Why do I do this to myself? Sheesh.
So last night was pretty fun. I went to a friends birthday party, she just turned 18... wanna know the funny part? Instead of what you'd think an 18 year old would spend her party doing, ie: drinking, playing slightly sexual games, wearing sexy clothes, inviting all the older kids who are known for their partying attributes... But instead she invited her closest friends, people she hadn't seen in a while. Told them to bring their favourite board game and CD's and ordered pizza. We danced, we played games, we spent at least 4 hours playing the Beatles rock band... and everyone had a really good time. It was very calm, very happy... everyone was just relaxed. It was neat. There were a few points where my head began to hurt from all the chatter and the noise from the music, and that's when I'd just go outside and talk a walk or something. It was still nice.
I've been getting headache's like crazy lately... it's not good. I'm pretty sure it's from lack of sleep and not eating right... I've just been so busy. Between school, somehow juggling two jobs and my social life... there's just not much time for sleep or food. I'll get better at it though, I promise. Coffee has kept me a live... and to demonstrate just how ridiculously tired I am, I just spilled my cup of coffee all over the desk and spent the last ten minutes cleaning it up -.-. Not that I really need to demonstrate it, I'm sure most of you believe me when I say I'm sleep deprived. Sleep is for the week >.<
... Lol.... weak* Garh. no, that wasn't on purpose. Hah.
I have so much to talk about and yet somehow my mind keeps skipping from really random places to another. It's actually quite strange... I think I'm seeing colors that don't exist. xD

'Kay so a lot more is going on in my life other than my sleep deprivation. I will talk about it later, when I can think of it... So, please excuse my absolutely dreadful writing in this blog, it'll be better next time.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Keep Holding On

 Day two done with. 102 Left to go >.<.
So, today was a pretty good day. I've been spending a good portion of my time with the only new girl in my class. Her name is Sabina, she's pretty neat. Slightly eccentric, and different. Which is good. I haven't gotten to know her very well yet, but so far she seems like someone with a personality worth getting to know. So that's what I've been doing.
I have some really good classes, which is happy-making. I'm being given Chemistry and Physics, both are subjects that I enjoy very much and so far I really like the teacher, which is a huge plus. I just finished completing some Chemistry homework, and realized how really well done it is. It makes me a bit proud, and it's also a very good way to start out the semester... 
On an unrelated note, it's been raining cats and dogs here for the past week or so. Non-stop. It's the strangest thing ever. We're supposed to only have two seasons: the rainy season, and the dry season. That's it. The rain comes in a lapse that is about from May to November-ish. While the dry season is during the remaining months to complete the year. So... it's Febuary. The rain started the last week of January, actually... we still have 5 months of supposed dry season... anyways, I think I've made my point. The weather is strange.

I think I'm being slightly ridicuous with the JP thing. I mean... I'm seeing him everyday and each time I do I want to run... that's pathetic, isn't it? Also, I got to school an hour early today (mix up of schedules) and so I went to the library with some other classmates who also got there early and we played dominoes. It just so happened that he was already there and decided to play with us. That alone made me so uncomfortable... I really didn't want to look at him, talk to him, listen to him talk.. it was just... ugh. And I hate it. But I don't know if it's something that'll just clear itself up over the course of the time, or if I'm really being ridiculous in wanting to ignore him or what... I honestly just don't know. He knows I don't want to talk to him... he claims he has no idea why, and perhaps he doesn't, but it isn't that hard to figure it out... is it?

BLugh. Other than that, Life is quite good. I like my handwritting, my friends, my music, my blog... it's all pretty lovely. *gasp* You've gotta see my notebook! It makes me so incredibly happy, which is hilarious because it's just a simple alligator notebook thing, lemme see if I can find a picture on the nets.... hmm, nope. I'd take a picture of it myself but I have no idea where the camera is. I'll get back to it another time. It reminds me of Pochi from "He is my Master". Lol, It's just so happy-making xD. (Random picture of a Croc at the top, lol... Isn't it cute though? Even with the fox tail in it's mouth... hehehehe...

This ain't a song for the broken hearted,
No silent prayer for the faith departed,
And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud.
It's my life, and it's now or never.
I ain't gonna live forever,
I just want to live what I'm alive.
It's my life.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Good Riddance

Well, first day back to school... and it went pretty well. All things considered. It was raining the entire day, most of the class didn't wear their uniform, everyone was greeted with smiles and hugs. I avoided a certain person... which really wasn't all that difficult (thank goodness). I like the classes I'm in, so far, anyways.
It was kind of strange, actually, because of the fact that when we left for Christmas break, I was in a relationship with, well... I guess it's safe to say one of the most popular guys at the school, coming back and having so many people ask me how that's going and giving me 'knowing' grins... It was strange and slightly annoying having to correct them. And then going through my reasons... which are obviously things that I wanted to avoid completely. But I guess it's better for it to be out there than for it to have just randomly stopped.
One thing I realized though, is that I really do miss volleyball. And it was wise of me to not go for the remaining of that month... and perhaps it would be wise of me to not go for another while. But I do want to go back I miss the coach, the people, even the sport was fun and it was good exercise. The only reason I wouldn't go back, is an obvious one. It'd be hard for me to see him all the time like that, to actually play a sport sometimes in his team or against him. Not to mention I've heard he's become a real jerk... I don't know if I would be able to see him act like that and be able to resist the urge to yell at him. *sigh* I don't understand how we left off so badly. It's really strange... I did everything I could though.
>.< Aah well. A new semester has begun, a new look, a new friend even. I'm a big girl, there's no reason for me to quit my life just because of some silly disaster.
It's time for him to grow up. His life isn't over, and I'm not really a part of it. Not until I want to be, and at the moment... I don't. So booyah.

So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life.

Monday, February 1, 2010


My mind races
Wishing to be with you
My eyes stare
Wondering what it would be like to be with you
My heart beats
Wanting to feel yours too
Confusion takes over
And I'm left with only the image of you

My body shakes
Wishing yours could warm me
My fingers grasp nothing
wondering what it would be like to hold you
My eyes water
from wanting you
Confusion takes over
And I'm still standing without you

My mouth opens
Wishing I could talk to you
My breathing stops
Wondering when we will be together
My thoughts surrender
Wishing you were here to take over
Confusion will never leave
And I will never understand why


And, I'm back.
All I can really say is... wow. Things must happen in life for a reason, right? Whether it be to learn, to enjoy life, to love, to laugh, to cry... Strange how when you're young, you don't really take much into consideration. in fact, you just take life one day at a time. Why is it that once you grow older, you think too much? You say... what if? You don't allow yourself to just let go and enjoy what is happening. Or at least, you don't seem to. Y'know, I'm going to do that. For this year... life is going to happen. I'm going to let it happen. Obviously I'm not going to go out and do something reckless just 'cause "it happened". I'm still who I am, and I still take things into consideration. But I'm not going to stop them unless it's life-threatening or something. Life is like skipping... it's faster than walking, but slower than running. You can't help but smile every time you do it. A song comes into your head to the beat of each step... sometimes you trip, or you mess up the rhythm and have to stop and start over. But in the end, you pick yourself up and continue on. Perhaps with a new song, a new melody and beat. But it's still your own skip.
I love love. But I hate confusion. Why can't we just all know what we want... and then get it? Obviously then it'd make life so absolutely boring. But in some cases... can't you just, for once, get what you want? Have the universe stop conspiring against you, but for you. I guess now you just have to fight for what you want... or let it all go and see if, someday, one day... it'll come to you. All the emotions running around in circles. You don't know to look left or right. So you just look straight... and continue on with your day, and with your life. With a smile on your face, and a beat in your heart... I suppose that's all you really can hope for.