Thursday, November 15, 2012

Yep

Alright guys, so I've been going to a counselor for about a month now, and so far the verdict is... I'm a completely normal... 38 year old woman. Also I have incredible instinctive self protection and too much control over myself and my surroundings. Anyone wanna make me a fake ID? At this point I'm not sure it's worth going back to being 18. kthxbye.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

1960's reincarnation of Lily's life

Picture this, you (well, me... but if you're not me ((which you're not, btw)) then pretend you are ((but you really aren't... just pointing that out... again) are sitting on a swing in your back porch, the shade of a huge tree is covering up the heat of the day... you're gently rocking back and forth just looking over acres of land. There's orange trees, apple trees, strawberries, raspberries and a little garden you planted a few years ago. The sky is blue and there's birds everywhere, you feel a gust of wind blow across your face, you smell dinner and an apple pie and you hear distant sound of laughter. You lean back against the old rickety swing that's probably been there over 50 years and you just smile... your hands are callused and experienced, and you're exhausted from working all day, but you can't shake the simple joy that knowing you accomplished everything you could that day.
You stand up and brush off any dirt, and walk around the house to find your kids playing with each other, climbing trees and chasing the dogs and just getting incredibly messy. Your husband pulls up to the house, gives you a peck on the cheek, tells you he missed you and then goes to greet his kids who are running up to him.

Okay, so it's silly and unrealistic and entirely quintessential and "Nicholas Sparks-ish" but I really would enjoy that. I've been thinking about what I'm going to study and do with my life, and there's just so much I could. But I honestly would love to just be out in the country with my family and my land and just... be a house wife I guess.

I would have been perfect in the 60's, seriously. I don't even care that much about politics... it would have been fabulous for me.

The biggest concern for me regarding that is, would it be enough? I like to work, I've been working since I was 11... I don't know if that'd be enough for me to not have a job and be entirely dependent on someone else. *shrugs* It's not like I have to make a decision tomorrow. I have tons of time.

If anyone knows of an orchard for sale, lemme know.

Friday, April 27, 2012

>.<'

AAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGH SO MANY PEOPLE SO MANY CHOICES SO MANY DECISIONS SO MANY DEMANDS SO MANY NEEDS SO MANY WANTS SO MANY RESPONSIBILITIES SO MANY CONSEQUENCES SO MANY DEMANDS!

Wait, did I mention so many demands?

I'm just a person people. I make mistakes, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life, I can't satisfy everything you want when you want it and exactly how you want it.

Just... UGH! 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

:/

**Lack of inspiration**

Help?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

NC State, here I come!

Oh My God.

I got in. I actually got in. I didn't think I would! I had given up and just... let it go, and now I actually got in. With 85% odds AGAINST me!!! AAAH!!!!!!! I'm so excited. This is fantastic... Finally my life won't be hanging in the air like it has been for the past 8 months... I actually know what's happening, I know what I'm doing.

Yay :D

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

New

conversetocashmere.blogspot.com

For anyone who is interested, this is my new project.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

:D

Dare to Dream

Let nothing hold you back from
exploring your wildest fantasies,
wishes, and aspirations.
Don't be afraid to dream big
and to follow your dreams
wherever they may lead you.
Open your eyes to their beauty;
open your mind to their magic;
open your heart to their possibilities.
Dare to dream.
Whether they are in color
or in black and white,
whether they are big or small,
easily attainable or almost impossible,
look to your dreams,
and make them become reality.
Wishes and hopes are nothing
until you take the first step
towards making them something!
Dare to dream,
Because only by dreaming,
will you ever discover
who you are, what you want,
and what you can do.
Don't be afraid to take risks,
to become involved,
to make commitment.
Do whatever it takes to make
your dreams come true.
Always believe in miracles,
and always believe in you!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

How I Feel Right Now

n z s d f y n r o e k i s y n n f k h a

y e a c l e e i x c n g g l y o w c o s

e d w e h g t s a s r o n o h i n i p h

f c n b r o e a p p r c i v p t p s e l

y o n e e n o i t a c i d e m a s e f e

l g t e t g r l a s g x n r a x t m u y

y o b a d a i d m e q e e w h a a o l v

i d c s t i e n c d r m q h c l n h h s

v f y i n s f n n o e t c e a e d i r p

s o o n s o a n a i b s w l g r t n a b

b n b e n t i d o c n s p m o z a b a s

q n r e p o t t s c h g f e y q l w s t

h t h e a r t a c h e r s d r m l q h i

s o c r i u g y q e i m i s t a k e s r

c c m p e n t y a e j r a s f u t u r e

a i s e i y r y n l a e a x s m a e r d

g p s y w r a d x i c l r b a k i n g e

n y l u o o s r n l s y e n o m i k x n

o f w s m l r d p a g u i l t p r o m a

s t e s n u s k v n s s e n t e e w s e


 
this is a legit crossword btw

Friday, February 17, 2012

Something to Live For


I’m trying to find something to base my life upon,
Something in this strange world that goes on and on.
Tomorrow comes, and then again, it goes,
And my ambition to become something more, grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
The life I want now, gets closer each day.
All I've ever wanted was something to live for,
I don’t want to be this little person anymore.
I've fought to become who I am and what I want to be,
Now times have changed and I realize nothing is fair,
I understand now, that I’m pretty much on my own,
And I know a lot of what I can do will never be known.
All the time, I think about everything I can’t say, what I have to keep in,
And by doing this, my thoughts only get more complicated and deepen.
Soon I hope to find out who I am, and what I am meant to become.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Things to Convince Myself of (beware of typos)

DISCLAIMER: migraine
things to convince myself of for the new few months:

I am fine
my health is fine
migraines are psychological
just because i'm different doesn't mean I need to have different friends
don't be stupid
don't be afraid of being a bitch of you're standing up for something
take more more opportune moments for witty remarks
laugh more
the only way i'm going to make money is if I get off my ass and start doing it
school is stupid, just like 80% of the rest of the stuff in life, so deal with it
people aren't going to ask, so start talking
change is necessary
sometimes the good will go bad and the bad will be worse before it gets good
or whatever
typos are a sign of laziness
the easiest way to be less lazy is to stand up
find something to believe in
get the hell out of the house
my baking sucks, so get better at it
i can't cook/bake unless the kitchen is clean
if you can think of 3 friends you've had for more than 10 years, write them a letter to apologize
write everyone a letter because you suck at being a friend
cry, but only if you have a legit reason. don't be a baby
go find a nursery and babysit so you hate the idea of having a baby until you're ready
make a to do list and follow it
open up to people
write a list of things to convince yourself of this year instead of paying attention to the marketing teacher
stop pouting about your migraine and get over it or go home

I wish you could see me right now. Actually I'm glad you can't. I'm sitting at a table squinting at the monitor because the lights are bright and my eyes hurt because of my migraine. I'm too lazy to go home, plus if I do I get to relive memories of last night, which sucked. So here I am, with really bad posture crouching over a keyboard typing a list of things that I suck at. I want to go home but I really don't. I'm totally cool with sitting in a corner of the class in the fetal position just dying. Totally cool.
peace out.

Belated New Years Resolutions

Better late than never, right?

1- *ponders for 15 minutes*


... nevermind.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Insomnia by Dana Gioia

Now you hear what the house has to say.
Pipes clanking, water running in the dark,
the mortgaged walls shifting in discomfort,
and voices mounting in an endless drone
of small complaints like the sounds of a family
that year by year you’ve learned how to ignore.

But now you must listen to the things you own,
all that you’ve worked for these past years,
the murmur of property, of things in disrepair,
the moving parts about to come undone,
and twisting in the sheets remember all
the faces you could not bring yourself to love.

How many voices have escaped you until now,
the venting furnace, the floorboards underfoot,
the steady accusations of the clock
numbering the minutes no one will mark.
The terrible clarity this moment brings,
the useless insight, the unbroken dark.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Lily wants D:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/62856297/emerald-bewitched-wearable-art-locket?ref=pr_shop

Friday, January 13, 2012

Drift Away

One song. One song comes on the radio, and everything inside me collapses. I can't breathe, my hands are shaking... I'm standing up, writing on my calender and suddenly I'm on the floor, curled up against the wall holding my knees to my chest. I feel tears welling up in my eyes as I choke against my own breath, my heart beat pounding against my chest. I close my eyes and lean my forehead on my legs trying to catch my breath as memories flash across my eyes. I feel my energy draining from me, leaving me with a feeling of insecurity, doubt and longing. Just for one person, just for a hug from the last person I thought I wanted to see. With one song, I feel lost to the world, lost to myself and in need for that person to look at me and tell me in their soft voice that everything will be fine.

I never realized how much I missed having a fatherly figure in my life, and the worst part is that I realized during this song that the last person I truly respected and looked up to as a father in my life... was not my Dad.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

We Can Burn Brighter Than The Sun

Give me a second... I need to get my story straight, my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State. My lover, he's waiting for me, just across the bar. My seats been taken by some sunglasses,  asking 'bout a scar... And I know I gave it to you months ago, I know you're trying to forget. But between the drinks and subtle things, the holes in my apologies, you know I'm trying hard to take it back. So if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I'll carry you home tonight.

We are young, so let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter, than the sun.

Now I know that I'm not all that you got, I guess that I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart. But our friends are back, so let's raise a cup cause I found someone to carry me home.

Tonight we are young so let's the set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun.

The world is on my side, I have no reason to run. So will someone come and carry me home tonight.. the angels never arrived, but I can hear the choir. So will someone come and carry me home.

Tonight we are young so let's the set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun.

So if by the time the bar closes... and you feel like falling down, I'll carry you home tonight.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Let's Conquer the World

Whelp... exam week. 2 down, 2 more to go... Y'know, normally I'd be freaking out right now. I'd stress (okay I admit I'm stressed, but I'd usually be MORE stressed) about every little thing and being completely prepared. My life hung on the line of my school, everything I did... I had to get straight A's so I could get into Med school, I had to understand Chemistry and Pre-Calc and be able to completely get through each day with a confidence that I knew what I was doing... and as good as this sounds, I just wasn't happy. I'd come home each day with nothing to look forward to. School became a chore instead of something I enjoyed. I was exhausted day after day, and no matter how much I rested I could never recuperate what I needed. I wasn't inspired to do anything... until I started changing. I re-evaluated my life, what I wanted, my goals, and I decided that this just wasn't for me. I don't want to dedicate the rest of my life to this weight on my shoulders. I'm tired of feeling upset all the time and useless, I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to cry if I even get an 80 on a test... Now, sure, I'll be disappointed in myself for getting anything under a 85, but my future doesn't hang on it. I'm almost done, almost out of here, almost starting the next leg of my journey...and I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of high school, done of all this silly drama that just makes me want to stand up and walk out of the room. I'm ready to meet people who inspire me, instead of bringing me down. I want to have decent, intelligent conversations with kids my age who actually have a dream and something to look foward to, something that motivates them. I want to have a real and deep friendship that lasts longer than a few months, something that I want to explore and just enjoy. I'm so ready to leave... and now that I won't be crammed into a tiny room studying 24/7, I feel like my life has changed. And it has, but more than changed I feel like I've been shoved into a room full of opportunities, each one just as good if not better than the last. I'm excited for once, and not just in a "Yeah, it's a good life" way, but in a "HELL YES LET'S DO THIS!" way, and that itself is a relief. No longer do I have to cringe in a corner over a B or C on a Chemistry test... it's important, yes, but it's not going to decide what I do with my life.
I can't wait to have my own place, and do my own thing without worrying about school and home... I know it's terribly cliche, but I just can't wait to move on. So much has happened these past few years, I feel sometimes like I'm just being hit by bullets at every turn... so far I've dodged them, or perhaps been grazed, but I haven't been hit. I won't be hit. Life can throw whatever it wants at me... I will keep going, I will move on, I will get right back up and trudge forward. With mud-filled shoes, dark bags under my eyes, a pounding headache and useless limbs... I don't care. Life can't bring me down. I will lift my own life up if that's what it takes to get forward, to achieve what I want to achieve.
Just you wait and see... just you watch, trembling as I conquer the world... I will do it.

Monday, January 9, 2012

If I Were a Line

If I were a line
I think I’d be curled,
billowed and swirled,
and slowly unfurled.
I’d sweep over a page,
if I were a line,
with the wind in my hair,
and my heart laid bare.
That’s what I’d be,
if I were a line.

If I were a spot
I’d be round and fat
(now how about that?)
like an old, well-fed cat.
I’d have drizzled and dropped,
if I were a spot,
pittering and pattering
with a slight hint of smattering.
That’s what I’d be,
if I were a spot.

If I were a colour
I’d be a rich red,
like a painted deathbed
or a sword to the head.
I’d lunge for macabre,
if I were a colour,
made oh-so dramatic,
my thoughts all sporadic.
That’s what I’d be,
if I were a colour.

But I am a human,
so pale and flawed,
and easily bored,
(wishing I was adored).
I twist and bend
(these hinges, you see?);
my shape is no other
than the one I can be;
My colour, it changes
almost constantly,
because I am a human:
a human – that’s me.



Although,
If I tried to depict myself
in a shape - or a line -
that would be just fine
(If I could find such a line).


by ~dailenna

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Tomorrow?

I think it's time for a road trip.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

A touch of Sunlight

What one person with one camera can do to such a simple setting is amazing. No photoshop, no corrections or lighting... this is raw. I love it... can't explain why, after all it is only a plant, and maybe I'm looking into it too deeply but somehow the fact that it's a young tree just growing somehow inspires me. *shakes head and shrugs*

Friday, January 6, 2012

Countdown

My life is just one grand countdown. No matter where I am, what I'm doing... in my head, I'm always counting down for something. 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Salt Boarding