Whelp... exam week. 2 down, 2 more to go... Y'know, normally I'd be freaking out right now. I'd stress (okay I admit I'm stressed, but I'd usually be MORE stressed) about every little thing and being completely prepared. My life hung on the line of my school, everything I did... I had to get straight A's so I could get into Med school, I had to understand Chemistry and Pre-Calc and be able to completely get through each day with a confidence that I knew what I was doing... and as good as this sounds, I just wasn't happy. I'd come home each day with nothing to look forward to. School became a chore instead of something I enjoyed. I was exhausted day after day, and no matter how much I rested I could never recuperate what I needed. I wasn't inspired to do anything... until I started changing. I re-evaluated my life, what I wanted, my goals, and I decided that this just wasn't for me. I don't want to dedicate the rest of my life to this weight on my shoulders. I'm tired of feeling upset all the time and useless, I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to cry if I even get an 80 on a test... Now, sure, I'll be disappointed in myself for getting anything under a 85, but my future doesn't hang on it. I'm almost done, almost out of here, almost starting the next leg of my journey...and I can't even express how much I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of high school, done of all this silly drama that just makes me want to stand up and walk out of the room. I'm ready to meet people who inspire me, instead of bringing me down. I want to have decent, intelligent conversations with kids my age who actually have a dream and something to look foward to, something that motivates them. I want to have a real and deep friendship that lasts longer than a few months, something that I want to explore and just enjoy. I'm so ready to leave... and now that I won't be crammed into a tiny room studying 24/7, I feel like my life has changed. And it has, but more than changed I feel like I've been shoved into a room full of opportunities, each one just as good if not better than the last. I'm excited for once, and not just in a "Yeah, it's a good life" way, but in a "HELL YES LET'S DO THIS!" way, and that itself is a relief. No longer do I have to cringe in a corner over a B or C on a Chemistry test... it's important, yes, but it's not going to decide what I do with my life.
I can't wait to have my own place, and do my own thing without worrying about school and home... I know it's terribly cliche, but I just can't wait to move on. So much has happened these past few years, I feel sometimes like I'm just being hit by bullets at every turn... so far I've dodged them, or perhaps been grazed, but I haven't been hit. I won't be hit. Life can throw whatever it wants at me... I will keep going, I will move on, I will get right back up and trudge forward. With mud-filled shoes, dark bags under my eyes, a pounding headache and useless limbs... I don't care. Life can't bring me down. I will lift my own life up if that's what it takes to get forward, to achieve what I want to achieve.
Just you wait and see... just you watch, trembling as I conquer the world... I will do it.
1 comment:
You go girl.
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