Saturday, January 10, 2009

I was walking with a Ghost.

I just want to say hello! How is it going with the certain thing we call life? Ahh, well... just the usual. Holding back tears, breaking down walls... y'know, the usual. I suppose that was a bit unnesesary, suffice it to say, sometimes I wish I could just get back in your life. Wait, what am I saying? That's the last thing I want. My head hurts. I don't want you back, I have lived incredibly up until now without you in my life. Tell me what you're thinking. Tell me why now? Why is it that NOW you want to be friends? Everything you've done before, everything that you've said... it's all said otherwise to what's apparently going on now. Tell me why you trying so hard. What you did, what you said, what is it that you're feeling? You say you are interested in me? Hah. Sure... okay. So, lets say that you are, you just want me to let go of it all and trust you again. You want me to just FORGET? I'm sorry, but that is just not how I roll. You've broken me with your life. But now I have to work through myself, I have to figure out how I can forgive you. Why not with your help, you say? Take a wild guess. My emotions can't take this.?. Would everything be okay? Am I exaggerating? I'm known for that. Maybe this is just turned around.?. But Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. I can do this. I just needed to let that go, everything you've punctured my life with... and now You're supposed to be my friend, my... sister? I'm not spontaneous, nor careless... I want to forgive you, even if it means not being as grounded as I think I usually am. Or maybe that's why you have been trying to help me through this. It's not a clean break, but I don't want you to think that I'm holding a grudge, or that I'm mad at you. I always just have to think it through it a million times. Even if I want it to just... happen.

I will try to do this, I will pull your tangles out of my life. All my problems, issues... I'll work through them. You mustn't worry too much, let me take care of it. Even if it's on my own, give me time. Just let me try to live without sorrow, when it comes to the things you've hurt me with. Everything in my life has been triggered by things you've said and done. I thought your heart was keeping you from seeing reality, and maybe it is. But I can't do anything about that. Everyone says just let go. But you'd be surprised at how hard that is. Be happy, everyone will say. And for once, don't deal with the consecuences. Just do what your gut tells you to, I will try to let you be here for me. Let me let you help me. I forgive you.

Don't think I'll deny that I am hurt. I am. And don't think I can't escape, but why would I tell you I'm going to escape from you? Don't think I'm going to just run. I've made up my mind. I'll run with what I've said. I'm not going to try to replace the spot you could have in my life, with someone who is not you.



Blaze Alcabose said...

What's with the italics/normality of your writing? New thing?
I'm sorry about your sister. Send me an e-mail, okay?

Mik said...

Whoa, I completely missed this. What was going on at the time if its not too much to ask?

Lily said...

Aah... man, this post... sheesh. There's so much more to it than it seems. lol. And I was venting about things going on with Kaelyn.