It's interesting how you can want something that you know is something you can or should not have. You have this sort of pull that keeps you going in the direction of that one thing that you want although you have some sort of string or strand of thought and reason that keeps you away from it. All of your thoughts kept jumbled up in the process of reason and whatever else it is keeping you there or keeping you away.
I remember, one December evening, my Mom was talking to me about you and trying to convince me that 'love' is magical and it doesn't always have to work out right that point in time, that sometimes you have to just take a leap and work through it later. At that moment... I didn't believe her, because I found it ridiculous and almost immature... but, now as I see everything that happens everyday... perhaps all it is a tiny hop. One step forward... a couple steps back. And then a jump forward.
And yet, as I write this I feel almost pathetic... I told you what you should do last night... and yet we're not really going by it. So much would have just been simpler if we had... but it's not over, eh? I don't know about you, but I'm happy. This feels... good, and right. And the way that it feels to have your arms around me... I feel so safe, and drowsy almost. Like I could fall asleep right there... of course then again I am practically half dead, but that's not the point. And then when I feel like that... I feel so guilty. Because I know that I shouldn't feel like that, it's wrong and I have no right to be thinking those sort of things. I should just stop right here. Quit writing a ridiculous blog with you only a couple feet away from me. There's so much that I want to say, so much that I feel that I need to tell you, and yet I don't... or I can't, or I just don't know how.
"Either we're ridiculously pathetic... or ..." I never did finish that, and I don't even know why it suddenly entered my mind. There is an ending to that, you know... I just don't think it would be wise to finish it. And I don't think you'd be all that happy to hear it. Again, I don't know why I'm writing this.
There is so much more that I want to say, and write out... but I just don't know where to start and I'm running out of time. I'll write more later, but for now... I'll leave it at this.
Until next time,